FAQs

Why is it that your friends think you should be cured a year later? 

Sabrina - I think that they aren’t reminded like we are every day of our loss. We wake up every day reliving the fact that they’re gone, and I think the thought only occasionally crosses their minds, when they happen to run into us casually at the store. Out of sight out of mind, I guess.

Tabby - Because they are not going through a major life change. It may be easy for them to think that it should be that way because they are over it, but it didn't affect their lives like it did yours. If they are not supportive of your grief process, find help from people who are their for you and your well being.

Kelly - It’s just that no one can possibly understand the long-term effects losing such a loved one can bring. First of all, there will never be a time when you will be ‘cured’. You will forever be without your spouse/partner. Therefore, you will be going through the healing process much longer than a year.

Molly - I think because no one can possible comprehend what kind of loss we experienced.  It is a life altering experience.  It is like our whole life is shattered to pieces and now we have to pick up the pieces and try to put that life back together.  I don’t think that ANYONE can fully comprehend what that is like!

Why do your friends always want to try to “help” you? 

Tabby - They don't know what else to do. Whenever I get frustrated with the way people treat me, I always try to see it from their point of view as well. I wouldn't know what to say to me either. They do not realize that you can't just be cured in a week. This is a long and tough process. Surround yourself with positive people who willing to be there to listen and guide you, not help you, along the way.

Amanda - They think it is their duty as a friend to help you through this life changing time. 

Sabrina - Our situations are so rare that I think most people don’t know how to approach us or how to help us grieve or heal, and by offering to ‘help’ although generic, I think they truly mean well. But, I think they also need to be sensitive to the idea that you may not know what you need in life right now, and just the thought that the support is there is often enough to help get you through the day.

Kelly - Many of them just don’t know what to do so they are going to do anything they can to make them feel better. Let them. Besides, during the first several months, you will have enough to do so all the other things that don’t matter as much could be left for others to take care of.

Molly - Iagree that some friends are ones that you want around you in a time like this and others you don’t want to be near!  Those who want to offer advice and tell you how you should be feeling are ones that you do not want to be around!  Be sure to pick the most supportive friends that will listen when you want to talk and just be there for you!

Is it wrong for me to look at another man/person and enjoy it?

Amanda - NO! We are all woman that need that comfort from a man.

Tabby - Absolutely not. We are all human beings.

Kelly - It’s not wrong to look at another man and enjoy it. If you are at the point when looking at another man actually feels good, then take it as a positive step in the right direction. We have to remember that our deceased loved ones would not want us alone and miserable for the rest of our lives.

Molly - Not at all!  That is only human nature and your significant other wants you to be happy.

When can I start dating again?

Sabrina - Although I haven’t started dating, I feel that it is specific to each person and situation. Only YOU know what’s best for you with your grief and healing. Just like snowflakes, no two of us are the same either!

Tabby - Whenever you feel that you are ready. And only you know when that is.

Kelly - Whenever you feel ready! If you listen to your inner self and your intuition, you will know when it is right. Some women find peace in dating soon after their loved one has passed while others choose to never date again. I did once read somewhere that it is a better ‘tribute’ to our passed relationship with our deceased loved one if we want to get into another relationship again. I do have to wonder, if my relationship with my deceased fiancé was so wonderful, how could I not yearn to find something as wonderful again?

Molly - I have started to date.  I did when I felt ready.  We are all on our own timeline and we know when it is right.  Just make sure the relationship is positive and not someone who will bring you down!  You need someone who will understand your situation and respect that you are a widow!

How many times do I have to hear…

Amanda - Why can’t you get over this? – I have heard it from friends which are no longer my friends. You will never get over it, you will just learn how to deal with it better.

Kelly - 'Time will heal all wounds… This is b.s.!!!!!!!! We can’t expect that we will ever ‘heal’ from this. Instead, we will have to learn to live through who we have become.

Sabrina - ‘You’re young, you’ll remarry’… sometimes I feel like I’m going to hit the roof with this one, or ‘when you move on’… there is no ‘moving on’. I am growing and learning how to deal with my every day grief, and please respect the fact that it will be a part of my life forever, as time goes on it doesn’t erase that part of my life, I loved that I had the experience and love with him that I did, and I love to acknowledge it.

Tabby - Are you ok? How are you doing? Are you getting through this alright? Over and OVer and OVer and OVer again!! Everyone just wants to "help" in some way and they don't realize the impact those questions have. Be honest and up front with people. If you are tired of being asked those questions, then tell them " I am really tired of hearing those questions." It will only continue if not. And if you feel like you can answer those questions then answer them.

Molly - “How are you?”   What a dumb question…I am fine…freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional!!!!

Are you ok? How are you doing? Are you getting through this alright?

Kelly - I’m F.I.N.E. :o)

Sabrina - I often change my answer, depending upon who asks it, but the stereotypical ‘I’m doing alright’ or ‘getting by’ usually work for the people I randomly run into in the store. For people that are closer to me, I try to let them know that I have to take life in baby steps now and realize that my priorities are different than they used to be. ‘Just working on surviving.’ I just ask them to be understanding with me if I don’t return phone calls or emails, it’s a struggle to survive.

Molly - I’m F.I.N.E!  “Putting one foot in front of the other” is often my response.

You have changed…

Sabrina - I think this is such a silly question… of course I’ve changed. Let’s think about this… my entire life has been turned upside down, and now I am struggling to adapt to life without him… my life will NEVER be the same, and neither will I. This event will affect my life forever.

Amanda - Change is inevitable. You will change many times in many different ways. This experience will turn your life in a new direction which some friends might not choose to follow.

Kelly - You ARE changed, there is no doubt about it. You are no longer the same person dealing with things in the same way as before your loss. You have suffered through something that will forever change how you look at things, your perspectives and the decisions you make.

Molly - I just went through the most life altering event…of course I have changed.

Will I survive this?

Sabrina - For as much as some of us don’t want to realize this, yes, we will survive this. And finding a good support network will help with both a grieving and healing process. It takes a long time before I began enjoying the simple things in life, but the day I started enjoying chocolate again (about 5 months after my husband died) was a window opening for me to begin enjoying other things, and searching for those things I use to enjoy.

Tabby - Absolutely. That is what we are all here for. To help one another through this path of life.

Kelly - Only you can answer that question but the obvious answer is yes. You will survive and you can even become a better person; it’s all up to you.

Molly - Yes, you will!  We are in this together.  Surround yourself with beautiful people my friend.

Will my child still know/remember their daddy?

Sabrina - This is a concern for me on a daily basis. I feel that my interaction and my exposure to my son with stories, photos, videos, and his father’s personal belongings will help me teach him who he was. Although I doubt he will ever personally remember him, exposure from his friends and other family members will help as well. And from there, I feel I can always learn more too!

Tabby - Keep your loved ones memory alive. Talk about them to their children, let them know that their parent still loves them.

Kelly - Depending on the age of the child at the time of their passing, most children can hold on to some memories with the help of you. There are several ways you can keep their memories alive…

Molly - I always talk to my children about their daddy.  We tell stories about him, we pray for him and we talk to him.  It is up to you and those that are closest to you to keep his memory alive.  My four year old often retells silly stories that she remembers about her daddy.

Where do I go from here?

Sabrina - I look at this like I’ve just dropped my purse and the contents are everywhere… where do you begin picking up the pieces? Well my first instinct is to start picking up the most valuable pieces like cash, wallet, photos, cell phone (the more irreplaceable things, which in my life would translate to: my child, myself, my pets, shelter, and food—the necessities). And then from there whichever is closest or most manageable- small things that I think I can tackle myself. And if something is too far away or too difficult—ask for help, I often have to remind myself to do that.

Tabby - I take it one day at a time.

Molly - Forward.  There is nowhere to go, but forward.  In the beginning I always felt as if I was ‘walking through water.’  Everything was heavy, in slow motion and hard to do.  However, keep making decisions and moving upward and onward!

Others are making decisions for me; is this okay/normal?

Amanda - I didn’t feel in control of my life and my situation for some time after his passing. It was like I was a child again. 

Sabrina - I found that this happened a lot for me at the beginning, I even felt that the decision to move back to this area was guided by others. But after reflecting on it, now that time has passed I know it was in our best interest to live around our support system. I became quite frustrated with it and found that this is when my assertiveness kicked in- I felt I needed to control what I could in my life since everything else was out of my control, but if it was a decision I would have made for myself, I just let it happen.

Tabby - Depending on what decisions are being made. If you feel the boundaries are being over stepped, then it's time to take a stand and say something.

Molly - I let others make decisions WITH me for about six months.  I also had others to help me with my child care.  I had three children under the age of three when I lost my husband, others are NEEDED!

I feel like my life is in slow motion/I'm watching my life play in front of me, do others experience this too?

Sabrina - I experienced this and occasionally still do, I just sit there in awe watching others as their lives are so happy and how they can go on living and I just don’t understand how the world still turns, and how everyone can enjoy life, even though I can’t. I think it’s the whole idea that I’m walking through the motions of life.

Tabby - Absolutely. I remember before he died, but afterwards has been such a blur. I have flashbacks, my mind constantly wonders, its hard to stay focused when I feel like I have the whole world on my shoulders.

Molly - Yes!  It is like walking through water and everything is hard to do!

I can't see my husband before burial, how do I deal with this?

Sabrina - I couldn’t see my husband at all, and it was extremely difficult. Especially difficult when you can’t properly say goodbye, or see for sure that it was him, it doesn’t matter how much you’re told, I still wonder… if he’s out there somewhere trying to get back to us, and can’t. It leaves a lot of questions and wondering, but in some ways I feel I was spared the vision of seeing him vulnerable, and there is a part of me that is comforted by that.

Tabby - At that point, there is nothing you can do. Now that it has been some time, I realized that it was the best decision for me. My husband would not have wanted me to see him that way. And I don't want to remember him that way either. It is hard, but in the end it was the better decision.

Molly - Yes, but it is good to make amends as well.  If you are having trouble with that, seek professional help or enter into a discussion with us.  That is why we are here.  Anger eats you up from the inside.  It does not do you ANY good to have that happen.  We are here!

Is it okay to be mad at him/God?

Sabrina - Yes, I feel it is. I’m sure most people who go through a loss as significant as the loss of a partner questions their relationship with God, I know I have. And although I still believe in God, I find it very difficult to go back to church, and visit God in His house. I felt as though I was a very good Christian person, and did everything by His book, and it led me to this? Right after my husband died though, I found a lot of solace in God, and praying to Him, asking Him for comfort and that helped.

Tabby - I think everyone goes through the anger and him and god. You know the..." WHy did he leave me," and " Why did God do this to him and us?" I found that journaling was a great way to get my feelings and anger out. I often write to my husband like I am talking to him on the phone. It is a nice release when I feel that I don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm angry and don't know why...

Sabrina - I’ve found that my anger is my way of masking my grief, and projecting my sadness in another way, and it comes out in frustration and being defensive. I feel especially vulnerable now, and have built a wall around myself to protect myself from comments and actions of others, and to make sure that I don’t get taken advantage of and my cautiousness comes out as anger or frustration most often. And a lot of times I have headaches from holding in my crying and grief, and I’m grouchy because my head hurts and I’ve barely got my head above water.

Tabby - Well, plain and simple, you are too young to be going through a loss like this. We all are. Like I said before, journaling is a great way to get your anger and other emotions out.

Why are people avoiding me?

Sabrina - I feel people avoid me because they don’t know how to approach me because they’ve never experienced the same type of loss, and if people try to compare it to their loss, it just seems awkward; like trying to compare apples and oranges. Sometimes it’s easier not to say anything and not have to worry about offending or hurting someone. NEWS FLASH—It is not new news to me, that my partner passed away, it sometimes hurts more to have it ignored.

Tabby - They don't know how to deal with young widows. It's unfortunate, but we scare them. NO one knows what to say or do and they treat you like you are a fragile little girl. And we kinda are fragile.

Molly – Because we have a disease!  We are their worst nightmare staring them in their face.  They do not want to enter into how we are feeling because they would NEVER want to be us.

What to say when people ask 'how are you'?

Sabrina - Depending upon the person, and your relationship with them, tell them the truth or give them a generic version of the truth.

Amanda - Fine. Freaked out, Insecure, neurotice, and emotional.

Molly – F.I.N.E.

Why is it good to stay busy?

Sabrina - People often say this to me and it always leaves me a little baffled. It’s as if people think that if I’m busy I forget the idea that my husband died—I am reminded of it every second of every day, whether I’m busy or not. Although trying to keep social connections for me helped to not feel so empty.

Molly - I am so busy with work and my kiddos.  It does help, but be sure to have quiet, private time to reflect and remember you loved one.  That is very important for your healing process.

How do I become involved in F.I.N.E. Young Widows?

Sabrina - You can become involved by either joining our support group by contacting us at info@fineyoungwidows.com

Molly - Email us!  Read our newsletter!  We want you to join us!

How do I start my own support group in my area?

Sabrina - Please contact our group by email and we would be happy to send you a copy of our curriculum, and help walk you through our motivations for the group and what we found helpful to us and to others in the group.

Molly – Contact us and we will help you every step of the way.

Who can I call for help?

Kelly - Therapists, grief counselors, churches

Molly – We have phone numbers too!

What is the goal of F.I.N.E. Young Widows?

Sabrina - To provide a strong support network of women in the area to help create a safe place to grieve, heal, and support one another.

What do you classify as ‘Young’?

Sabrina - Widows 45 years of age and younger.

What does ‘F.I.N.E.’ stand for?

Sabrina - Females In Need of Empowerment (or freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional!)

What do I do now?

Amanda -Take one day at a time. 

Kelly - Work on yourself!

Molly – Be good to yourself.  You have been through the WORST life has to offer.  Be kind!

How can I help F.I.N.E. Young Widows?

Sabrina - You can help by contacting us to speak at one of our sessions, provide our group with other resources in the community, or you can help support our organization financially with making a donation, also listed on our site.

Amanda - Donations are a great way to support an organization.

Molly - Donations :-)

Why does the group only serve the needs of ‘young’ widows?

Sabrina - We feel that there are few groups in our area that are dedicated to helping young widows. In most cases we’ve found that our partner’s passing was very shocking and in no way expected, and the trauma from the surprise is overwhelming and adds so much more to our grieving process, because we didn’t have the time to say our goodbyes.

Kelly - There are so many groups out there that meet the needs of widows who have spent several decades with their husbands/partners. We feel as young widows, we have different obstacles to deal with such as young children, the feeling of abandonment, having such a potentially long time to deal with our loss, and the feeling of being cheated out of a long and happy life with our loved one.

Why should I help the F.I.N.E. Young Widows group?

Kelly - We have the betterment of young widows in mind.

Amanda -We are a great support group for young woman that have gone through one of the worst losses imaginable. It gives them hope that their lives will move on again.

How do I contact the F.I.N.E. Young Widows group?

Sabrina - Please contact us by our emails listed on the page or info@fineyoungwidows.com or snail mail at FINE young widows, P.O. Box 684, Dubuque, IA 52004